History in the making.

We've been through a lot. We're moving. Michael if facing a career shattering accusation. My chain of command is sitting on my medical paperwork. I'm still pregnant, and feeling the full effects. My mother just left yesterday. I've decided to completely gut my house of any extra clutter. My soul needs some extra loving. So that's what it's gonna get. A ridiculously empty house. I'm looking forward to it. Michael is having some trouble letting go of some things he really loves but doesn't use. I'm prepping to do the same. It comes from both of us being raised in pack-rat families. Everyone's pregnant, minus a select few. The excitement of the pregnancy is over and now I think it's just disbelief. I'm really hungry all the time. I try to resist, but not too much. The depression from being trapped in a job I loath is kicking back in, I've slept almost the whole weekend. I'm praying and praying that I won't be trapped for much longer. I like the idea of decluttering the house but I am completely afraid to actually begin. Looks like I'm off to the flylady website for some encouragement. :) If you haven't looked, it's http://www.flylady.net it's by far one of my favorite websites ever.

Anger and Resentment

I surprise myself sometimes with how angry, resentful, and jealous I can be. I cannot forgive those I should, and I cannot let go of what I wish to let go. It's like a flood of pure hatred that flows through my veins. No wonder I cant get pregnant. I'm stopped by what-ifs and doubts. It's truly a poison, wrapping its way around what's left of my heart until I can do nothing but choose between crying or destroying all that is around me. I want to be grateful for what I have, I want to be a good person, but I feel like I'm only one half of a whole, trying to hide the true demonic creature that I am. It sucks. I'll never stop trying to better myself, its just discouraging to keep going sometimes, especially because I feel guilty for feeling a certain way towards people that I really shouldn't. but the point is, I can never tell if I'm the face behind the mask...or the mask itself.

Thanksgiving 2010

Today is full of mixed feelings. Michael and I spent all day together. It was good to spend time with him, it was bad to get a incapacitating headache just before he left. So now, I'm laying on the couch watching movies. First it was Nell, which was a good. Then the end of Calendar Girls; I now want to see the whole movie. Now, I'm watching Ghost Whisperer, I know, I know, not a movie. I love Ghost Whisper. I've been told it's the same story again and again, but I'm not a person to get bored with the same old thing. I'm so silly, I'm artsy, but love the quiet life. I'm a walking contradiction. It's okay, it's me, and I'd have it no other way. I have the DVR set up to record the Young Elizabeth, but I'll probably watch it while it's playing.
On another note, Michael and I are still trying for a baby....it's hard, it feels like it takes forever. After what my ex-husband did to me, I don't know if I can get pregnant, but they recommend waiting at least a year before getting a fertility test. Maybe I'm just not ready, I know things are going to happen how they're meant to, but is that really a reason to stop hoping and stop trying, after all the future is like water, always changing.

The beginning of my 22nd year....

I turned 22 today. I woke up, made apple cinnamon muffins, talked to my mother, went to the NEX to size new uniforms, Stoney River for lunch, amazing, then meandering around the mall. The most fantastic thing about the mall, a small candy kiosk that carries Warheads, I thought for sure they were discontinued. Lastly, a little stop by Whole Foods, I find Whole Foods absolutely delightful.
It was the last day of my eating meat, for tomorrow, I am vegan. I know I'm going to slip up here and there, but I feel like it's imperative for my health. I also feel like it'll make it easier for me to have a baby. For my birthday I received the entire Skinny Bitch line of books as well as their workout DVD from Michael. I'm actually really excited. A couple candles and some stuff from Body Works AND a very nice piece of art, along with a gift card and some cash, used to buy curtains and a little candle aromatherapy fountain from the in-laws. I got FLY Lady cleaning supplies from my Mom, they're actually amazing. It's always nice when you get useful things. I will not be stopping by to talk to my boss tomorrow, as Michael and I were setting up curtains in our house and it turned out to be quite an adventure, for we didn't have the correct drill bit. Though I must admit, a sexy sweaty construction worker in the bedroom is quite nice. :) Today, was by far, the best birthday I've had. I've never had so many people wish me a happy birthday. I know I didn't always get what I wanted in the past, and just like today there will be some rough patches, but now, I get the feeling that the worst of it is over...for now.

Today

I ate another entire plate of pickles. I don't have a fever. The pregnancy test came out negative. I'm going over to Heather's for girl's talk, we need to catch up.